"'Why did you grow wings without me?' I mourned." Michael Jackson could have been writing as his own audience these past 10 days or so. I still find it hard to believe. There are chills everywhere as the world radiates its pain and sorrow, and I think a bit of guilt. As much as we loved him, we helped hurt him, even if we didn't mean it. The great tragedy over all of this may be that we all see a gentle soul trampled upon by fame, by greed, by a million different gravities. I've been doing nothing but watching old home movies, reading articles, anything to feel closer and gain a greater understanding that would somehow lead to closure. And yet it is all information. With Michael Jackson, there is no truth.

A hand on the back of the neck, a caring caress, a empathetic sigh. These things he did which so plainly showed compassion and humility stand out to me. They are what he gave because they are what he wanted. They are what we all want.

I read an old journal entry from February and decided to give it a followup, since I am in the land of sequels. I left shortly after for LA, on a journey I really couldn't have planned, much as I like to think I did. TV work didn't pan out, and now I frankly don't want it to. The industry has revealed itself to me as it has to countless others who float their way across the country thinking they'll change things -- a wasteland of selfishness and diluted art. I'm in a limbo of sorts - a job between journalism, office work, and entertainment. It is a purgatory leading to a place I haven't dreamed up yet. Only thing is, I'm tired of dreaming. Well, maybe tired of scheming. Dreaming will continue always.

Once again I'm compelled to serve others, but I don't know how. And I am overwhelmed by the duality of enormous opportunity and great restriction. So here we are again, big thinking with little foresight.

"...wishing them well, and wishing them home."

Boy, I tell ya. There's nothing I like more than a nice:

- afternoon nap
- heating pad
- Lifetime movie on a Sunday
- pair of comfortable shoes
- padded toilet seat
- smear of generic muscle cream on the knees

And I'm totally embracing it.

I can't even begin to explain how awesome the past couple of months have been. I've been back and forth to California twice, featured in two different major media outlets, met some of my biggest career role models, scored a sweet summer internship, and dammit -- I got straight As.

It's getting to the point where I feel like if I stop working ALL THE TIME I will immediately lose any chance of professional success. But I suppose that's normal-ish for someone starting out.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I walk in June and graduate in August with an MA in Journalism. I'm kind of touchy about people adding a joking, "Finally!" especially those who haven't gone as high on the academic ladder as I have. Not that a give a shit about that stuff. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, because if I hadn't explored my other interests and options... I don't know. I think I would have explored them anyway because that's who I am.

Crotchety notes:
- The weather here this winter made me want to move. Seriously. I'm job hunting elsewhere.
- I have this horrifying pain in my achilles tendon, so I had to sign up for the janky clinic at school and make an appointment for Monday. We'll see if it was worth it or if I get a "you're too fat for your bones" lecture. That'll be a nice romp back to childhood memories of my weight being yelled across a doctor's office.
- Saw a great documentary about the corrupt credit industry, "Maxed Out." Watch with Xanax if possible.
- Am addicted to the vegetarian sandwich at sub shop downstairs, but suspect it is way more fattening than I rationalize it to be.
- Desperate for great music recommendations. Even though I'm sure not enough people read this to DO that. But still.

This is exclusively for grammardog:

*extremely fulfilling text coming soon*

1) Cigarettes increase longevity

2) And I can sing like this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ozDh4NQveJs


Holy shit. I kept replaying it just to watch Brandy and Hasselhoff physically move towards the table in awe. Children who can sing with that much soul astound me.

As if I weren't enough of a nerd already (see, "X-Files"), I now love Leonard Nimoy. But for non-Trek reasons!

http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/7body.htm

Oh my God. The above link is his photography project of LARGE LADIES. Because Leonard Nimoy does not like how women hate their bodies because of the societal view of "beauty." Most of them are nudies, so make sure you look at them at work, during church or with small children. Preferably while swearing.

I'm going to San Francisco this weekend! Horray! I've never been there before, and am actively looking to move to California-ISH after I graduate. So this will be a good evaluation, and I'll make sure to judge the entire state based on a weekend in San Fran and a week in LA 6 years ago.

Other than that, not a whole hell of a lot going on. Went on a date, once again didn't go on a 2nd. I'm beginning to think I kill my dates immediately after and then snap into this psychosis in which I don't remember it. That must be it. Phew, at least it's not my SOCIAL skills!

Heh! LJ just asked me if I wanted to "restore from draft?" I said yes. The draft was the letter "y."

Welp, I've been fairly absorbed in my Emerging Career Shenanigans -- going to a TV station for SUPER FREAKY TUESDAY (YOW!), and trying to ho myself into the "biz." I'm a little annoyed that I abandoned TV in the first place, but I think it was something to do with altruism or some such nonsense. Although that nonsense will undoubtedly help me be a better writer/producer/mogul now that I'm older, wiser, and generally more of a crank.

Rode the train home around 1:30 the other night with four of the worst trixies (Wikipedia: "social climbing, marriage-minded, money-hungry young ladies that seem to flock to the upwardly-mobile neighborhood of Lincoln Park. Another description calls them "the women with Kate Spade bags for every day of the week; the ex-sorority girls still lusting after big, dumb jocks; the women who go to law school to find husbands." -- MM HMMM). in the universe. They started out all singing some Fergie song and dancing around. Suddenly, a homeless black man approached them and the most amusing looks of fear overtook them and I actually had to turn away to not laugh. A few minutes after the man got off the train and the girls had sufficiently made fun of him, they began taking pictures of themselves flipping their hair around and singing Beyonce.

Honest to shit. On the one hand, they are of course idiots. On the other, I almost wish I had that kind of utter confidence and disregard to just do whatever the fuck I want. I'll make do with mocking them though.

I went on a date the other night -- it was nice, but I'm starting to get this "the paper is due WHEN???" feeling about finding a dude, and wonder if that is clouding my evaluations of these things. Evaluations?? Really?? Jeezum.

Am in love with this trailer. Particularly the Snow Patrol portion:
http://www.stoplossmovie.com/

- WFNX's "WTF Line" is the best thing I've heard on the radio recently. People call this local phone number and leave messages bitching about random things, and they play them and discuss them on the morning show. Genius! It's always hilarious and sweary.

- Jungle 2 Jungle is on, and like I did in London a few years ago, I'm severely enjoying it. Don't judge me. Judge Tim Allen and the rest of the cast, but for god's sake leave me alone.

- I love 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

- I cannot, for the love of all that is pure and holy, sleep through a night. I go to bed at 1, wake up at 4, stay up til 9, and then sleep again forever. It is a mess. I think when I go back to Chicago I will be hilariously not ready for reality.

- Treat of the week: Mulder's back!!

Thank you, grammardog :) and thank you for not pointing out that this is just a published copy of a comment i left in your LJ!

1. Go to the Wikipedia home page and click Random Article (on the side menu). That is your band's name.
2. Click random article again; that is your album name.
3. Click random article 15 more times; those are the tracks on your album.


My band: Radio KBOZ
Our sophomore album: Tebay rail accident

1. MPB mine
2. Antonio Maura
3. March 9, 2004 attack of Istanbul restaurant
4. Beta-galactoside permease
5. Velika Trnovitica
6. Shoe insert
7. Red Hill Pass (Arizona)
8. The Balham Alligators (band)
9. Tony Cox (South African musician)
10. Manwich
11. Uvea (anatomy)
12. Oberboihingen
13. Condolences
14. Trevor Lock
15. Mark Ferguson

Track 7 is my favorite and likely a song I would enjoy just for the title. However, my band's inclination to clarify everything in parenthesis is alarming.

I wish track 10 was my band name.

I'm in Boston, a little over a week into my month+ here. So far it has been relaxing and wonderful and peppered with long walks in nature and shit, but today it started to snow. Jack Frost, that rat bastard.

Since it's almost 4am, you'd think I'd have some dark hours revelation about my life to offer in the form of a lamenting sentence or two. I don't. This week I've told at least three people that I like being 26, and I must say that I do. I am thoroughly enjoying myself right now.

My mother, sister, brother, and I all qualify for Italian dual citizenship. My mother started researching it and I am utterly surprised at her degree of follow-through. She tells me she wants to work in England. I'm starting to think she's following in my footsteps.

Of course, the thought of having a European passport is wildly intoxicating and too delicious to think about until it's all really happening. My triumphant return?!

Atlanta for me and Travis this weekend. Reunion with treasured high school friend + new city to explore = squee!

I got an A- and a B+ in school this term. No great shakes, I know, but as Ray says, "B's get degrees."

Amen.

I'm almost finished with my first quarter of my last school year. I felt my confidence leave me today as I sat in class considering graduation. That familiar sense of impending failure that is completely unjustified yet always welcomed filled me to the eyelids.

I get so helplessly restless here. Chicago to Missouri and back but I have the urge again... to move, to flee. There are so many possible lives for me right now, soon, that I feel certain I will pick the wrong one.

A journalist. A professional. It doesn't sound like me. I am petrified to make a commitment to a job. Or even an apartment. I sometimes think making a commitment to a man would help me with that.

They're making another X-Files movie. The last one came out 10 years ago. Weird as it sounds, the news made me remember my 16 year old self, and what she wanted to do with her life. Was she validated, or were her dreams decidedly wrong? I'm not sure if I've tested them adequately.

Seascapes keep swishing in the back of my head, reminding me to travel.

Apparently many people.




Twas amazing.

Yes. Here I am. I'm in Boston for the weekend, and of course it snowed a foot. So I'm stuck inside for a while.

I miss LJ, so I might try to do a revival! Walk, Abilene, Walk!

Hung out in Boston with my two favorite Boston gays, Luke and Travis, last night. Travis was housesitting in this small but stylishly decorated apartment near the south end (ooh!). They smoked pot and I ran away because I was afraid it would get in my hair and make me not get a job. I'm nuts! But cautious. We took several amusing pictures and videos as well. I forgot my cord in Chicago so those will wait.

I've dated a couple of guys for a couple of dates and I'm kind of annoyed. Its the cycle time again where I think I'm gonna stop trying out dates and relax for a while but don't.

Sidenote: I fucking LOVE the Target check-out woman on SNL. Every time. Amazing. I don't even care what she says. I die!

Here's Mike, Ray, and me doing an inappropriate dance at Trader Todd's. Except I'm really the only one being in appropriate as usual.


The end!

Finished another semester of grad school
Went on a bad date
Got picked up and then dissed
Applied to a job in Philadelphia
Went to a Guster concert
Turned 25, wondered what its all about, told myself to shut the hell up
Added a MacBook and digital camera to my tech collection

You know, I would hope that there would be more to that. I feel like there probably is, but its not worth posting. My friend Stacie got engaged last week, which is awesome because she and her fiance are quite the hip young couple.

Annnnnd, cue: WHAT THE FUCK IS SO WRONG WITH ME THAT I STILL HAVE NO BOYFRIEND!?

Yeah. It's been that kind of month. Then I start wondering what happens after you get married and have kids, and the kids grow up. What do you do? I already have empty nest syndrome and nobody's even touching my boobs right now.

I decided to fill up next semester so I don't have to constantly notice how piss poor the quality of my interpersonal relationships actually is. I'm trying to volunteer at Northwestern Memorial and take an art class at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some pictures of me, Stacie, and Thom riding the CTA Holiday train. They decorate the whole thing, and one car is Santa on a sleigh, which is interesting in the tunnels. It's kind of cinematic when its full of commuters.


(CTA train)



(Santa)



(with Stacie and Thom)



(Stacie)



(No ads!)

Just to make it official --

I'm coming to Boston from 10/13-10/15.

I'm not gonna lie. VERY. EXCITED. about the apple picking!!!

Get in on the ground floor!

Your friend in Chicago is still here. She is very busy with work and trying to forge a social life and to not gain weight from the Ben and Jerry's freezer downstairs. She's excited about school starting and Fall weather, but she wishes she could have a day in New England to drive in the cool air and muted colors.

She might just do that.

Has it really been this long since I clicked the update button? I don't know where to begin.

Let's start with work.
It has been an uneasy transition from my role last year to what I'm doing now. The new "GRLC" is vague and undefined. I'm beginning to realize that if I can't accurately describe my job to someone else who works here, how am I to expect them to have any idea who I am, or why I sometimes bark orders at them? I am not quite comfortable in this new realm or this new cubicle yet.

RA training started last week. Everyone seems very young, even though they're only 1-5 years younger than I. When I heard one of them refer my 23-year-old coworker as "old" I almost died. There are one or two frat boy types I could do without. I think I am going to freak out on my 25th birthday.

We went on a team building wilderness logic/ropes course yesterday. I think I pulled many things, but I really enjoyed it, much to my shock and awe. Still, all the bonding doesn't lessen the lack of defined role.

I'm pondering an Autumn weekend at home, enjoying leaves and going apple picking. If you are pondering the same thing, let me know. Or, if you're pondering a weekend in Chicago, which is highly overdue, also let me know.

As a general lifely overview, I'm in the middle of a few decisions regarding job/school/location, but when am I not? Everything shall be decided soon. But until then I shall remain, as ever, your old reliable malcontent.

Alright, hoes. It's that time again.

I'm home from Wednesday (tomorrow/today) til July 11. Just to remind ya'll.

I have to get stitches removed, but other than that I'm in OK shape for hanging out.

I really shouldn't have done the ad thing on here. It's already getting annoying.

So in my latest trend, here's what's been going on in dash form:

- Scavenged a sweet full-length mirror from move-out weekend. Moved it, cut my foot open, spent 5 hours in Northwestern ER with D and Ray, now have 7 stitches that need to be removed in 6 days. Two selected quotes:
1) Doctor: "Wow, it's so deep that I can see muscle and tendon!"
2) Ray: "Would you like a warm blanket?"

- I'm coming to Boston from 6/21 - 7/11. My weekends (except for 6/23) are spoken for, so ya know... be around.

- Having lunch with my dear brother on 6/18! Hooee.

Desert, rocks, desert, metropolis, rocks, rocks, desert.


I spent $50 on slots and got a sunburn in the Valley of Fire State Park.